The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
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I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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Attacked by a mop.