Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Stop it! 😂
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.