[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
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me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.