I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
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[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
accurate
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.