To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
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wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT