you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
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(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.