Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
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Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.