Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
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Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Bringing home a sharpie
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed