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Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
it is time once again
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.