Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
saving face 👀
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.