My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
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BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.