You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
how was your vacation
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.