The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
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I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you