math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
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HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….