-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
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[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?