SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
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I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I’m aging like a fine banana
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Oh yeah that’s it
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man