Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
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For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
RT if you could go either way.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
There is wisdom there.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
#growingpains
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere