I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
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Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
socratic questions
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
#NeverForget