There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
me before I type out affect or effect
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?