My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
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16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.