the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
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Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.