Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
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Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?