[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
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Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.