Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
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Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
23. the denim jacket
i meant to share this earlier
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I falcon love using swear birds
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.