i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
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Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6