“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
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5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.