dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
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KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
lol
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My last name is Zilla.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.