Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
You Might Also Like
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
🤣dope
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
it was love at first sight
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke