My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
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When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.