How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
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Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
my first dose meeting my second
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”