I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
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if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
oh no, steve’s working tonight
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.