I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
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If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.