I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
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Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Realize this:
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
*jingles half the way*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.