THE AUDACITY. 😤
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God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?