“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
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Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
This is what makes twitter great
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.