fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
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I am laughing way too hard at this.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*