Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
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Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Any refunds available?…
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake