I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
You Might Also Like
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Hmmmmm
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?