[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
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Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
they really do be looking like this
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’