Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
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JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.