contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
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[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.