Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Wednesday
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)