idk flipping houses looks really hard
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Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them