how long have you had this for?
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It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
synchronized noseblowing
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!