*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
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“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over