Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim