Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
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The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me