Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
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PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners