everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
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Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
#Caturday
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal