Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
You Might Also Like
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
She: I like Cats
He: